Metamorphosis in Blue
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Starting here again?
I keep forgetting this thing is here....I forget that it's my outlet.
I'm in a weird way tonight...excited, nervous...I feel like I am so close but yet so far....I feel like I am ruining things- I can't even fantasize about the usual because it's too real.
And I know that makes no sense to anyone but myself.
Everytime that a long period of time passes, and I feel so normal- and I think to myself "that diagnosis was wrong" then something happens and I realize I am only fooling myself.
I had another panic moment...At the deli counter- too many people- I felt too rushed- 3 people asked if I needed any help- it just made me edgy...I freaked out, took off...Michael coming after me. I hate it. I get this mix of rage and panic...I was just wanting to get out. I did this same thing a few weeks ago at a cafe...I always panic and leave. Always.
I am so socially retarded- so awkward. I hate that I cannot just learn simple people skills. What went wrong, and where?
Sometimes I just want to move away- all new people- a new city. But the same thing will happen. Its not them, its ME. I am the one who has the problems..and I cant fix them. Its been too long- I am beyond hope. Just gotta be productive when i am not in a "mood"...gotta be happy for the friends who stick with me.
I know my mode of thinking is flawed- I know there are things not right with me- beyond just the stupid social crap- things I dont want to get into on here. But- there isnt much to do- docs only want to medicate you, or else get off track and ask me if i want to hurt my kids...NO i dont fuckin want to hurt my kids- its nothing to do with any of that- but i guess they have to cover their bases- have to be careful.....but it sucked not to get the help i needed because that is all they wanted to focus on.
It makes it hard to be open and honest- because if you are TOO honest, they'll lock you away somewhere.
Oh in the end it doesnt matter. I am 31 now and obviously if i got this far, then i will just deal with things on my own like i always have.
I'm in a weird way tonight...excited, nervous...I feel like I am so close but yet so far....I feel like I am ruining things- I can't even fantasize about the usual because it's too real.
And I know that makes no sense to anyone but myself.
Everytime that a long period of time passes, and I feel so normal- and I think to myself "that diagnosis was wrong" then something happens and I realize I am only fooling myself.
I had another panic moment...At the deli counter- too many people- I felt too rushed- 3 people asked if I needed any help- it just made me edgy...I freaked out, took off...Michael coming after me. I hate it. I get this mix of rage and panic...I was just wanting to get out. I did this same thing a few weeks ago at a cafe...I always panic and leave. Always.
I am so socially retarded- so awkward. I hate that I cannot just learn simple people skills. What went wrong, and where?
Sometimes I just want to move away- all new people- a new city. But the same thing will happen. Its not them, its ME. I am the one who has the problems..and I cant fix them. Its been too long- I am beyond hope. Just gotta be productive when i am not in a "mood"...gotta be happy for the friends who stick with me.
I know my mode of thinking is flawed- I know there are things not right with me- beyond just the stupid social crap- things I dont want to get into on here. But- there isnt much to do- docs only want to medicate you, or else get off track and ask me if i want to hurt my kids...NO i dont fuckin want to hurt my kids- its nothing to do with any of that- but i guess they have to cover their bases- have to be careful.....but it sucked not to get the help i needed because that is all they wanted to focus on.
It makes it hard to be open and honest- because if you are TOO honest, they'll lock you away somewhere.
Oh in the end it doesnt matter. I am 31 now and obviously if i got this far, then i will just deal with things on my own like i always have.
