Metamorphosis in Blue

Things are....better, but not. They are more bearable, but the pain is the same. It only makes sense to those of us who have lost loved ones maybe?

I got to see Shia LaBeouf on the kids choice awards for maybe...hmm....2minutes? It was a brief glimpse, but a nice one.

We are getting a storm- finally- one with thunder and lightning. I am watching a "creepy" movie on my laptop and burning incense.

I got a couple new books- will talk about those later/in another post.


~me

I am crushed today....I decided to look through photos, and I just wasn't ready. It is too hard to see his beautiful smile and not feel my heart break and shatter.
Now I can't stop crying.
I have the rest of my life to go through without him. This isn't fair. I can't wake from this nightmare....I feel like I'm dying.

Today is one of those "bad days"....when the sadness is really eating away at me. I miss my dad, I miss him SO much.
And there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

Death.
It was one of my greatest loves- and despite it claiming my father from me so suddenly- it still is.
I don't fear it, or hate it...it's the flip side of birth.

There is nothing comparable in emotion as when you are holding the hand and watching the person you love most, die. The father who was there for you without question. I gave him the only gift I knew to give- peace. Release.

The old saying, "If you love something, let it go" never rang so true. I will miss him, but I told him to go on, to pass over and not worry about a thing.

Though my heart is broken, it still beats. Love is not interrupted by death, only strengthened.

Transformation is my mantra lately.
There is no end, only change. He is not dead, only in different form.

I love you, Daddy.