Metamorphosis in Blue

As a way to dust off the cobwebs and break back into my blog here, I'm going to pass the word on about a really fun contest.

It's called "For the Love of all things Vampire" and its a prize package you'll be dying to sink your teeth into.
I could tell you all the fun things included, but why don't you read about it yourself, while making sure to follow the steps and enter !

For the Love of All Things Vampire - Check it out!



I've recently starting following myself, and you are gonna love it :) I wish I knew about this a long time ago!!

I keep forgetting this thing is here....I forget that it's my outlet.
I'm in a weird way tonight...excited, nervous...I feel like I am so close but yet so far....I feel like I am ruining things- I can't even fantasize about the usual because it's too real.
And I know that makes no sense to anyone but myself.

Everytime that a long period of time passes, and I feel so normal- and I think to myself "that diagnosis was wrong" then something happens and I realize I am only fooling myself.

I had another panic moment...At the deli counter- too many people- I felt too rushed- 3 people asked if I needed any help- it just made me edgy...I freaked out, took off...Michael coming after me. I hate it. I get this mix of rage and panic...I was just wanting to get out. I did this same thing a few weeks ago at a cafe...I always panic and leave. Always.

I am so socially retarded- so awkward. I hate that I cannot just learn simple people skills. What went wrong, and where?
Sometimes I just want to move away- all new people- a new city. But the same thing will happen. Its not them, its ME. I am the one who has the problems..and I cant fix them. Its been too long- I am beyond hope. Just gotta be productive when i am not in a "mood"...gotta be happy for the friends who stick with me.

I know my mode of thinking is flawed- I know there are things not right with me- beyond just the stupid social crap- things I dont want to get into on here. But- there isnt much to do- docs only want to medicate you, or else get off track and ask me if i want to hurt my kids...NO i dont fuckin want to hurt my kids- its nothing to do with any of that- but i guess they have to cover their bases- have to be careful.....but it sucked not to get the help i needed because that is all they wanted to focus on.
It makes it hard to be open and honest- because if you are TOO honest, they'll lock you away somewhere.

Oh in the end it doesnt matter. I am 31 now and obviously if i got this far, then i will just deal with things on my own like i always have.

I need to clean my house.
A house really is tied to a person's mood, I think. When it's messy, I feel unfocused and edgy.

Today when Mom leaves for her trip up to Newport, I am going over and scrubbing her kitchen and cleaning house. It will be a nice surprise for her. I debated trying to give the dogs a bath too, but there is just NO way I would be able to handle both of them.

I am back in that mode where I require less sleep than normal. It's both nice and frustrating. On one hand I can stay up late watching movies and such, with no real circumstances.
On the other, I know that eventually it WILL hit me, and I will be grumpy and want to sleep for days.

My life is sad. I am making journal entries about my sleeping patterns...*sigh* Oh well, I can't say that I mind "simple" all that much.

May.
It was May the last time I posted here.

Things go forward- how can they not? I am feeling less frustrated, more accepting- if that makes sense. There are just things that can't be changed, and it takes too much energy fighting it.

There are some things I am unhappy with that I want to change.
That is the beautiful thing about life...choices you can make, changes you can decide on. Struggling is part of the fun.
I say...
Bring it on.

I've been doing pretty good as far as dealing with the loss of Dad. Not much to speak on- I miss him and nothing has changed.

Michael has been great as far as taking care of my mom. He takes her to dinner with us once a week, we take her places she never got a chance to check out..takes her on grocery trips. I really couldn't ask for a better man.
I was really mean to him this weekend, too :( Selfish, mostly. I'll make it up to him though- somehow. My mom and him- they are all I have.

I am constantly surprised by the different stages of sadness that I go through.
I haven't had a good hard cry in a while, but instead I get that frustrated sort of sadness- helpless feeling. Wanting to stomp and shout, but knowing it won't do any good.

I continue to learn lots about my father; the young person he was- the wild and crazy army days...to see him go from that to such a devoted father and husband is just amazing. I have never known such an honor as being his daughter. I feel blessed to have inherited his dark looks, and sarcastic humor. I feel a tie to him, much stronger than this physical separation is.

I genuinely miss him. Miss chatting with him, miss seeing him. These things cannot be healed.
Yet I get messages from him in my dreams- get to see him. I feel him all around me, and know without a doubt- without religion having ANYTHING to do with beliefs- I know he stays in touch. His energy is impossible to ignore.

I love him so incredibly much. Thank you for every moment with him, whoever you are the blessed me with him.

Things are....better, but not. They are more bearable, but the pain is the same. It only makes sense to those of us who have lost loved ones maybe?

I got to see Shia LaBeouf on the kids choice awards for maybe...hmm....2minutes? It was a brief glimpse, but a nice one.

We are getting a storm- finally- one with thunder and lightning. I am watching a "creepy" movie on my laptop and burning incense.

I got a couple new books- will talk about those later/in another post.


~me